Be Brave For Tomorrow We Burn!


So I have these two tree stumps from some pine tress that I had to have cut down in 2011 and they’re now in the way.  I started this journey by talking with two different firms about removing the stumps and just about had another stroke when I found out just how much they wanted to remove them.  Yeh, I can be kinda “frugal” at times.  My oldest uses the word “cheap” but I think that’s kinda sorta mean and cruel and I deduct $500 from her share of whatever estate I’ll have every times she calls me that.  Boogie likes it whenever she hears her sister say that word.  I know that cuz she smiles, makes the “ka-ching” sound and pulls her arm down like she just pulled the handle of a Las Vegas slot machine.  Her sister still hasn’t figured that one out yet.

Anywho, so I decided that this long weekend is a good weekend to remove these things and I started by digging away the dirt around them.  I discovered after a while of working on this particular stump that there was a nest of … oh … hmmm … a hunderty billionty red ants underneath it.  How did I discover this?  Cuz it seemed like half of the now pissed off ants were crawling on my legs and biting them.  I decided that the better part of valor was to abandon this particular stump for now after spending I dunno how much time brushing them off my legs and letting out some very choice words that little kids, blue haired little old ladies and priests and nuns shouldn’t hear.

I move on to the next stump and I discovered it was pretty well rotted away.  I also found that it fell apart fairly easy with the proper application of a hatchet.  So there I was whacking away and I start thinking about my doctor taking my coffee away.  I started whacking a lot harder.  Then I get to thinking about my boss and my director being jerks about me working from home right now and the whacking becomes seriously intent.  Wood chips are now flying like I’m auditioning for a cheap Hollywood scary movie and all I’m missing is the victim and a hockey mask to cover my face.

If you’re with the law enforcement community and you just read that last part, it’s not like I’m a real axe murderer or anything like that.  But I do know a number of lawyers that I think we’d all be mucher betterer off if they weren’t around.  And there are also a goodly number of politicians that we would be much better off without as well come to think of it.  Funny how some people can just disappear, huh?  Not that I would know anything about it mind you.  I know nothing and have seen nothing except for maybe Santie Claus and maybe the Easter Bunny. All I know is some guy told me that things like this could happen.  Who?  Some guy.  That’s all I know.

So anywho, I get my revenge on the ants when I start a fire tomorrow to burn the stump away.  But first I have to make sure my weapon arsenal is ready to do combat.  I hope they’re ready to meet a fiery end and go to Valhalla to do battle with their ancestors.

37 responses to “Be Brave For Tomorrow We Burn!

  1. Well it’s nice to see you handled all your frustrations in a constructive manner. Good thing you don’t live down south or those ants or you would have had to strip out of those pants right there in your yard and take a shower in the water hose to get them off and then parts of your body would be swollen up and I am not gonna say what parts. 😉

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  2. Sheer brilliance on all counts – the ‘frugality’; the use of force on the tree stump and the lack of coffee vent!!! Couldn’t have done better myself!

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  3. well try talking to a tree company about how much they charge to take down a tree? in my case its only 190 bucks but they said it was a Locust tree when in fact it is a walnut tree complete with greenhulls and nut balls! Somebody should pay me for that walnut tree being taken down just for the wood itself. haha…burning the stump? great idea. They took the stump when they took out my female and male holly trees didn’t charge xtra for it.

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  4. Very funny, Jim. I can actually visualize you with an ax. I’ve had the same problem. I think you’re making out better than me. On one of my stumps, I simply gave up, covered around it with mulch, and put a planter with flowers on top of it. Good luck with the fire, and the ants.

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  5. When you are done with your charcoal grill, put the glowing briquets in a hole you have chiseled out of the top of the stump. It will slowly burn them away. Roast Marshmallows while you wait. I’ve done this many times.

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  6. Will you please come to my house and do stuff like that? Last night I tried to clear out my gutters because we will start getting heavy rain from the hurricane this weekend. I made about three trips up and down the ladder before I couldn’t climb it again. I have about 10 feet left that I’m going to try to get tonight. Wish me luck.

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