So there you are walking down on a sidewalk in your home town being perfectly well behaved and completely minding your own bizness. (yeh I know it’s a reach for some of you but stay with me here and use your imagination) Suddenly, a big black limo comes to a screeching halt next to you.
A door suddenly flies open and now you’re face to face with Donald Trump. He looks at you and says …
“You look like a typical American who wants to make America great again. I’m on my way to Hooterville and I have to talk to a bunch of good ol’ boys and I haven’t a clue what I should say to them. I need your help because my staff is suddenly testifying to Congress about the Russian ambassador or something like that and since they are caught up with Congress, I have absolutely no one to tell me what to say. Please give me two things that I should talk about.”
Now since you’re a good citizen who wants to exercise a civic duty and since he has these really big guys in black suits, white shirts, black ties, carrying really big guns and have absolutely no sense of humor you tell him …
“Mister President, you should really tell those good ol’ boys _______________” (fill in the blank)
Now if it were me I’d tell him that he should tell them that Hillary should be appointed to some office since that would be a great thing for the country and how the Afford Care Act should not be repealed; it should be made better. Then I’d ask if I could come along cuz I’d wanna see the reaction from the crowd. I wonder if I should ask the Secret Service guys if I could borrow one of their Kevlar vests???
And I noticed …
- Choco milk
- Cat treats
- New cat toys
WTH??? Where did the last three come from? That’s not my handwriting (actually it’s scribbling but why should I admit to that?) I bet Miss Lily will have the audacity to act and claim innocence when I get home.
I like that warm yellow glow of sunlight when it invades my office in the morning. Somehow it makes me feel warmer and it makes me think it’s warmer outside than it actually is. “How warm is it out there right now Jim?” you are asking yourself right now. Well let me tell you. It’s a rather balmy and tropical -13C (8F) and it’s projected to rise to a heated -6C (21F).
I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking “Damn! How can I get me some of those temps?” Easy peasy peoples. Just sell almost everything that you have, pack a suitcase with whatever clothes you have left and hop a plane to move here. You shouldn’t have to worry too much about the Feds here because no one … absolutely no one … from the Fed runs in cold ass weather like this. Besides, you’ll quickly blend in with the rest of after you learn that bundling in multiple layers of clothing is truly a very unappreciated art form. We’re experts at it, extremely friendly and always willing to offer up pointers and tips to newcomers.
Let me teach you a couple phrases that you’ll need to know:
Instead of saying “Oh dear, it’s rather cold out there.” in your lovely English accent, just say “Damn it’s cold out there!” Have that scared expression in your eyes like “Did Hell actually freeze over?” Be mentally prepared to hear “You shoulda been here in January. I let my dog outside to do it’s thing and I still can’t find him back. He’s prolly froze to a tree again or is buried under a snow drift. No problem. I’ll find him back come the thaw. Hey! Let’s go ice fishing!” I have no clue why someone would want to go fish for ice when I can get it out of my fridge.
Instead of saying “I like to die with all that cold out there!” in your wonderful southern accent, just say “DAYUM! Is it cold enough for ya?” Be forewarned that you could end up getting your face shoved into a snow drift if you use that expression with the wrong crowd. That’s not good and it usually means a run for some frostbite treatment over at HCMC. It’s good cuz them nurses over there have warm hands. It’s bad cuz most are married.
I don’t habla so you’ll have to fill in with something expression in Spanish. Instead just bounce up and down repeatedly to stay warm and say “Glad the Cheeseheads got that snow instead of us!” Have a cup of coffee from the convenience store in your hand cuz Starbucks and Caribou wasn’t open yet. Wearing a winter coat and stocking cap sporting the Minnesota Vikings logo is good too. The Feds will only bother you if you’re wearing something that says “Packers” or “Bears” or if they think you’re a Tom Brady fan.
No worries people. You’ll learn to assimilate or you’ll figure out that you will thaw out by June or July depending on when winter actually wants to end here.